As a therapist I am sure you can imagine that I have heard and seen many things when it comes to parenting. I have been asked many questions, and have been given many opinions on parenting.
What I have observed is that while much of what people say to me, or tell me is very much good intentions, but is often not what the parent does. Not that the parents are bad people or have horrible skills when it comes to parenting, but many do not like to appear in a not so shinny light when they bring their children/teens in to see me.
One thing I do with all of my clients is give them a way to reach me if they need to. I am not the type of therapist that takes unending phone calls like the poor fellow in the movie What About Bob, but I do make myself available to my clients, within reason. I will paint a picture of what that can look like. In my office during the first session I usually make that a time of getting to the reason for the parent to want the child/teen to be seen by a therapist. Many times the parent will paint a very rosey picture of their home life in a general sense, but then talk about how much the child/teen that they have brought in is creating a bad environment, or that there is something seriously wrong with the child/teen because of a behavior or being depressed. Then after trust is built (which can take a while with this age group) I will get a text or a phone call. During that phone call the parent will tell me what is happening and then have me talk to the child. Usually a dispute or a conflict is happening. In the background I will hear the parent telling the child/teen what to say, or I will hear the parent yelling at the child/teen. Things do not seem so rosey anymore.
Another scenario that I have happen is a teen will be coming to see me and request a session with one or both parents. During this session the parents are very supportive and understanding. Telling the child that they will always support something, or that they will not make the child do something. However, after the child has decided that they want to make a move with something in their life that is important the parent then takes back what they say. An example would be a meeting about a parent that has been absent or has abandoned. The teen has been considering having a meeting or some time with that parent. After some thought and some work that teen has done, she decided to meet with the absent parent. When she tells the parent that is what she has decided to do, the parent then says that they will not support this.
Another scenario is a parent brings a child/teen in for therapy, stating that they want the child to have sessions every week until the child/teen is doing better, and that the parent will do whatever they need to do to commit to the therapy. Then after a few session the child/teen misses because the parent calls in and cancels because the child is ill. The next session I will ask the child/teen if he/she is feeling better and the child/teen states that he/she was never sick, the parent just did not want to bring the child/teen in. This does not seem to be too extreme, but it seems to happen 1 time out of every 4 sessions.
Our children/teenagers are people. They are young little minds that are absorbing a huge amount of information on a daily basis. I believe that the most influential thing that the young mind is absorbing is how people act towards one another. Children do not lie because they are horrible little creatures that will do anything to get their way. Children lie because they watch those around them lying. Most of the time these lies are very innocent and not at all harmful. Much like the scenario above where the parent call to cancel due to a made up illness (ok maybe that hurt my wallet a little bit), there is no intended hurt here. As adults we have to consider that little lies turn into big lies. When a child/teen has only seen little lies happen or even some not so little lies happen, they are being educated in how to lie. As adults do we want our offspring to lie? No, of course we do not, but we are teaching them exactly that.
When we tell our children that we will support them in a very difficult decision and then we back out, first we teach our children that their feelings about something important to them do not matter to us, and secondly we are teaching them that trust is trivial. A child’s/teen’s emotions are very bendable at this point in their lives. We cannot tell them one thing and then do something else. It is very unfair to them, and it teaches them that it is ok to no follow through with your word.
In the very first scenario what is being taught to the child is how to save face. I will act a certain way in public so that I am looked at in a good light, but when I am with those closest to me, I will act completely different. I would venture to say that many of us grew up this way, and continued on with that tradition in our own homes.
As parents we are training these young people to become adults. The next leaders of our country. If we do not take that into account when they are young, it will be too late when the rebellious nature of the teenager surfaces. It is our job to be authentic and honest with our children. Otherwise we are teaching them very bad behaviors that may get worse and change into other behaviors as they age. All the while we will blame society, teachers, movies, video games, and even other friends, but we will not take accountability for our own responsibility of the examples that we have been showing those young minds from the time they were infants.
There is nothing wrong with being bold and honest with your children. There is something wrong with teaching your children to be liars. There is something wrong with showing our children that others needs and feelings do not matter as much as our own.
There is hope in parenting, but you have to be willing to see you flaws and the flaws that have been passed down from one generation to the next.
Keep coming back, there will be many more helpful tips on parenting!
Thank you!
Renee
What I have observed is that while much of what people say to me, or tell me is very much good intentions, but is often not what the parent does. Not that the parents are bad people or have horrible skills when it comes to parenting, but many do not like to appear in a not so shinny light when they bring their children/teens in to see me.
One thing I do with all of my clients is give them a way to reach me if they need to. I am not the type of therapist that takes unending phone calls like the poor fellow in the movie What About Bob, but I do make myself available to my clients, within reason. I will paint a picture of what that can look like. In my office during the first session I usually make that a time of getting to the reason for the parent to want the child/teen to be seen by a therapist. Many times the parent will paint a very rosey picture of their home life in a general sense, but then talk about how much the child/teen that they have brought in is creating a bad environment, or that there is something seriously wrong with the child/teen because of a behavior or being depressed. Then after trust is built (which can take a while with this age group) I will get a text or a phone call. During that phone call the parent will tell me what is happening and then have me talk to the child. Usually a dispute or a conflict is happening. In the background I will hear the parent telling the child/teen what to say, or I will hear the parent yelling at the child/teen. Things do not seem so rosey anymore.
Another scenario that I have happen is a teen will be coming to see me and request a session with one or both parents. During this session the parents are very supportive and understanding. Telling the child that they will always support something, or that they will not make the child do something. However, after the child has decided that they want to make a move with something in their life that is important the parent then takes back what they say. An example would be a meeting about a parent that has been absent or has abandoned. The teen has been considering having a meeting or some time with that parent. After some thought and some work that teen has done, she decided to meet with the absent parent. When she tells the parent that is what she has decided to do, the parent then says that they will not support this.
Another scenario is a parent brings a child/teen in for therapy, stating that they want the child to have sessions every week until the child/teen is doing better, and that the parent will do whatever they need to do to commit to the therapy. Then after a few session the child/teen misses because the parent calls in and cancels because the child is ill. The next session I will ask the child/teen if he/she is feeling better and the child/teen states that he/she was never sick, the parent just did not want to bring the child/teen in. This does not seem to be too extreme, but it seems to happen 1 time out of every 4 sessions.
Our children/teenagers are people. They are young little minds that are absorbing a huge amount of information on a daily basis. I believe that the most influential thing that the young mind is absorbing is how people act towards one another. Children do not lie because they are horrible little creatures that will do anything to get their way. Children lie because they watch those around them lying. Most of the time these lies are very innocent and not at all harmful. Much like the scenario above where the parent call to cancel due to a made up illness (ok maybe that hurt my wallet a little bit), there is no intended hurt here. As adults we have to consider that little lies turn into big lies. When a child/teen has only seen little lies happen or even some not so little lies happen, they are being educated in how to lie. As adults do we want our offspring to lie? No, of course we do not, but we are teaching them exactly that.
When we tell our children that we will support them in a very difficult decision and then we back out, first we teach our children that their feelings about something important to them do not matter to us, and secondly we are teaching them that trust is trivial. A child’s/teen’s emotions are very bendable at this point in their lives. We cannot tell them one thing and then do something else. It is very unfair to them, and it teaches them that it is ok to no follow through with your word.
In the very first scenario what is being taught to the child is how to save face. I will act a certain way in public so that I am looked at in a good light, but when I am with those closest to me, I will act completely different. I would venture to say that many of us grew up this way, and continued on with that tradition in our own homes.
As parents we are training these young people to become adults. The next leaders of our country. If we do not take that into account when they are young, it will be too late when the rebellious nature of the teenager surfaces. It is our job to be authentic and honest with our children. Otherwise we are teaching them very bad behaviors that may get worse and change into other behaviors as they age. All the while we will blame society, teachers, movies, video games, and even other friends, but we will not take accountability for our own responsibility of the examples that we have been showing those young minds from the time they were infants.
There is nothing wrong with being bold and honest with your children. There is something wrong with teaching your children to be liars. There is something wrong with showing our children that others needs and feelings do not matter as much as our own.
There is hope in parenting, but you have to be willing to see you flaws and the flaws that have been passed down from one generation to the next.
Keep coming back, there will be many more helpful tips on parenting!
Thank you!
Renee
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